Bi-Weekly Newsletter

This is newsletter number 7 that comes after newsletter 6, but there will be no newsletter 9 as 7, 8, 9. Naughty 7.

The past 2 weeks have seen a major shake-up in the STR staff roster! We have lost a number of staff members due to forced resignation because of associations with a prolific child snail molluscer that came to a head in a 3-million-page document which revealed heinous acts such as shell crushing, pellet spreading and salt sprinkling. Worry not! STR has a zero-tolerance policy* for any kind of criminal behaviour and will not hesitate to instil the retribution that these viscous individuals deserve.

Out of the remaining staff members, we have 3 shiting stars that deserve a segment in the bi-weekly newsletter due their effort in the upcoming inter-station sports competition. They’ve put in blood, slime and tears over the past couple weeks in order to take the win. Let’s meet the 3 team captains!

Brian** is the team captain for Sir Lea’s Wood and has had a hard day’s work on his hands. Brian has worked at this station since its opening 2 weeks ago and has had a lasting impact since his formation of the sports team. He is famous for his old fashioned approach to work, reminiscent of the way band managers operated in the 1960s. We asked Brian what a day in his life looked like:

‘In the morning I’m usually only sleeping, but as the continuing story of the day unfolds, I am here, there and everywhere trying to get gigs for the sports team. You never know what tomorrow holds and are constantly trying to beat yesterday. Therefore, we have to come together to grab every opportunity’ - E, Brian, 2026.

John Varclays was the CEO of the Bank and now is the team captain for Lizzairpool Street Station’s sports team. His teammates describe him as ‘a real asset’, ‘highly valued’ and ‘economically viable to see the team through to the next quarter’. Varclays is said to have got his competitive flare from wrestling with grannies in his youth for their purses which they ‘didn’t need anyway’ as they ‘only spend their pensions on Fisherman’s Friends and other health related nonsense’. – V, John, 2026.

Jurgen is the team captain for Seaman Sisters station. Jurgen didn’t give us a statement as according to his publicist, he is busy counting his RedBull doubloons.

*T&Cs apply. UK government may bend zero tolerance policy on criminality when they fancy it.

**NO RELATION TO MOLLUSCER!

Author’s note: Took GWR train and was absolutely spiffing, would highly recommend. Taking inspo for STR trains, made pinterest board - https://pin.it/1OX135s4b