Bi-Weekly Newsletter

Welcome to the fortnightly newsletter and a huge thanks for taking the time to read. In this piece, we will provide you with some history and context of our bustling town before updating you all on our current events!

The town situated around 75 miles east of Lowesoft, Suffolk and 75 miles west of Sennen, Cornwall. It can be best reached by our brand new, wind powered train line, Snail Trail Rail that we are working at a snail’s pace to ensure will be up and sliding by early 2026. We also welcome visitors also by boat, bike (short for bichael) and car*. Our town is very much in its infancy, being erected in 2024, but it is already a hub of culture, sports and finance.

In 2024, our town unveiled its first landmark to a gaggle of onlookers. Forget flaunting your £50 notes to the cashier, we’ve hit the real bullseye. The Bank is one of a kind, being the first to print the largest note that is now in circulation. 42cm x 20cm to be precise. The Bank provides our town’s currency, which can be spent and embezzled to your hearts content!

A popular place to spend every last penny of your money is at the pride of our town, Hairyart Lea FC. The club was founded in 2025 by GQ’s Sexiest Man Alive 2026, Sir Harriet Lea. Founder and manager, Sir Lea, has recruited the talented trims of Robbie Savage, Mario Balotelli, David Seaman and many more! If you want to take a strand of Hairyart Lea FC home with you, you can purchase a kit in our on-site store, proudly sponsored by Lizz Air.

The town’s newest and most ambitious endeavour is the introduction of a groundbreaking, wind powered, locomotive frontrunner (in opposition to SWR running backwards), Snail Trail Rail. More information will follow in weeks to come, but what we can say is that we are fighting tooth and snail to bring the service to you as swiftly as possible (the train is currently stuck between Leathrow T5 and Tooting Becks due to signalling failure.)

After a high volume of complaints, we would like to add that if you have been affected by the departure of David Beckham from the club, please contact our crisis support line.

020 8541 4393

*Please note that if you are travelling by car, it MUST adhere to the Locomotive Act 1865 which can be found here. Thank you for co-operating.